I need a new suit

And not in a good way.

Crap.

I will not be mad. I will not be mad. I will not be mad. I will not be mad. I will not be mad. I will not be mad. I will not be mad. I will not be mad. I will not be mad. I will not be mad. I will not be mad. I will not be mad. I will not be mad.

I am building muscle. I am reshaping my body. I am not getting fat.

I just want to look good for my LA debut.

Good thing the boy-toy loves me just the way I am. And called me at 6am his time to tell me just that because he knew I was down.

And I actually believe him.

Sigh. 14 more days.

Withdrawal Method

Ha, got your attention, didn't I?

After fighting with myself for a whole 48 hours about applying for/pretty much being offered, a job in San Francisco, I decided to withdraw my application.

I finally realized that it was an interim step between where I am and where I want to be, which is Los Angeles. And I wanted to remove the temptations of money, increased responsibility and a title bump so I can focus on what I want; to finally put my personal life at the forefront, and put as much energy into being happy with my relationships as I put into my work. If I attack that with the same gusto, there's no reason why I can't make this work, find a gig in LA, and start living.

I am sure that this is probably sounding silly to most of you, but I guess that's what you'll do when you're in love.

And don't throw that compromise word at me. It's such a negative idea. I'd like to think of it as an active choice to put where I want to be out into the universe. I had convinced myself that San Francisco was the place I wanted to be for quite a bit, and maybe that's why I go interest on the job front. I am putting the energy out there that LA is where I need to be to not only move forward personally, but professionally.

Laws of attraction: ACTIVATE.

Another one bites the dust

Yeah, so another job down the tubes.

Thanks for looking out Los Angeles.

I can't seem to get this song out of my head...

Don't change your plans for me
I won't move to LA
The leaves are falling back east
That's where I'm gonna stay

Non-food motivation

I am scheduling a sitting with Atomic Cheesecake Studios for sometime in December.

This will motivate me to not only work out, but to really work on my self esteem and body image. Not to mention, it will make an especially fun and unique gift.

Happy Holidays to me. And maybe a special boy, if he's good.

Today is the day

...that I go back, full force, into workout mode. After a spurt of cleaning in ol' 8602 yesterday, I am amped and ready to go.

Plus, I have to justify the massage that I'm giving myself tonight. By jumping and running and lifting beforehand.

Whatever works eh?

On other matters, last night I was asked what I want professionally. What would I be doing if I wasn't working in higher education?

I said I'd be a professional sailor. Crew someone's boat and sail around the world on a whim whenever I wanted to. I was only half joking.

Then I realized that on some level, it doesn't really matter what I do for work. For the first time, potentially ever, I am ready to be defined by something other than my job title and duties. I am ready to be defined by my hobbies, my passions, the people I love, and my morals and values. I am ready to make my personal life a priority, and work to live, and not the other way around. Probably because for the first time, I've found someone worth throwing all that work BS by the wayside; someone to work with on my own personal happiness. That happiness at home transcends any work happiness and inevitably spills over into your professional life. Maybe the whole "laws of attraction" thing isn't complete bunk. I can be happy doing almost anything for work so long as I am happy in general.

So here's to focusing on general happiness, and the professional satisfaction will work itself out.

My new inspiration

I need inspiration. Badly. Especially on the workout front, as I've been busting my ass for 8 weeks and have GAINED WEIGHT (Don't give me that "but its muscle" bullshit. That's what people tell fat people when they start working out so they don't quit. Its garbage).

So... I'm going to watch this til I'm at my goal weight.

Every day. I can do this.

Well.. crap.

When you fall in love with the idea of living with the one you love, is it completely self destructive to think about how much effort and cosmic alignments will have to occur to make it happen?

When your boyfriend finds a great, affordable, safe apartment for 2, but it happens to be in Los Angeles, and you don't have a job there yet, I think that its called being realistic. My J (MBTI what!) hurts just thinking about picking up and moving out there because it seems to be right in my heart.

I have to get my head to pick up the pace and feel the sense of hope and adventure that is brewing in my gut and in my chest.

I am more heartsick than ever, even with love and life progressing towards my ultimate goals. Uncertainty breeds doubt and anxiety, so I'm going to just go with not thinking about everything and letting things happen, for once.

I predict I'll last about 20 minutes.